Episode: 2
Title: Covert Narcissism Explored
Date: 1-23-2020
Greetings to you!
Welcome to my podcast journal where I share my awakening from my narcissist induced nightmare!
Hornswoggled means “to trick or deceive (someone)” and ohhh let me tell you, I have definitely been Hornswoggled and by someone so close to me, for at least the past 20 years. My Mom.
I have decided to share my experience to offer support to others who are going through the same thing my family is.
The content I have found surrounding Narcissistic abuse by professionals and fellow survivors has brought me so much comfort in knowing we are not alone.
This Podcast is meant to share my experience, information I have found helpful and the sources so you can check it out on your own, and share my feelings as I unpack this huge blow, as well as share content that has helped me find answers.
Continuing to unpack…..
We have come to the conclusion that my mom is a Narcissist ...and most likely a covert narcissist. I was listening to a very helpful video interview with Doctor Ramani and one of the things she said that really brought me peace is knowing that we do not need a label to legitimize our experience. Just because our abuser does not have a diagnosis to our knowledge does not minimize the fact that what they did to us and how they treated us or continue to treat us isn't any less serious. The abuse we have been through exists with or without our abuser have a diagnosis. What they have done to us is not ok, and it does not define us and it should not continue.
Narcissism is Diagnosed by:
Info Shared is from:
The First part is knowing how they are diagnosed and that is by professionals by using the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders .
It is used by clinicians and psychiatrists to diagnose psychiatric illnesses.
The DSM is utilized widely in the United States for psychiatric diagnosis, treatment recommendations, and insurance coverage purposes.
In 2013, the latest version known as the DSM-5 was released.
The DSM is published by the American Psychiatric Association and covers all categories of mental health disorders for both adults and children.
According to an article in VeryWellMind.com by Kendra Cherry Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD “In 1980, narcissistic personality disorder was officially recognized in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder and criteria were established for its diagnosis. “
According to the Mayo Clinic (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662), Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy (psychotherapy).
Narcissism is?
From what I have learned so far about Narcissism, is that some see it as being on a spectrum. In an article on Psychology today by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
There's different names I have heard describe the same type of Narcissist.
There is the Overt Narcissist that is also referred to as a Grandiose Narcissist and an Extrovert Narcissist.
The Covert Narcissists I have found to also be called the Introvert Narcissist , hypersensitive Narcissist and the Vulnerable Narcissist.
The higher the individual's self-entitlement and grandiosity, the more and more separation occurs between grandiosity and vulnerability. Those who are most self-entitled are either almost all grandiose or almost all vulnerable.
Which explained a lot to me because some characteristics and actions I heard from other Narcissist survivors did not resonate with me based on my personal experience regarding my mom. And, to be honest, my experience with her varies from my sisters experience. It is like she shows both of us a different side based on her level of admiration at the moment? Both sides toxic and both very fluid.
9 Elements of narcissism that you will find frequently shared across the
internet include things like:
a sense of self-importance or grandiosity
fantasies about being influential, famous, and/or important
exaggerating their abilities, talents, and accomplishments
craving admiration and acknowledgment
preoccupied with beauty, love, power, and/or success
an exaggerated sense of being unique
believing that the world owes them something
exploiting others to get what they want (no matter how it impacts others)
lacking empathy toward others
In an article in Psychology Today by Preston Ni there is a more detailed list that identifies 7 of the most common traits in a covert narcissist.
7 Signs of a Covert Introvert Narcissist
Quiet Smugness/Superiority.
Self-Absorption. ...
Lack of Empathy. ...
Passive-Aggressiveness. ...
Highly Sensitive. ...
The “Misunderstood Special Person” ...
Impersonal and Difficult Relationships.
Some descriptions I have heard during my internet travels digging up as much as I can about covert Narcissism is :
It's often called “Death by a thousand cuts” due to the fact that the attacks may appear to be minor if looked at singularly, but once you add them all up the result is the same as if you were full on stabbed with one fatal stab.
Insidious because most of the damage is done passive aggressively and behind your back so well that you have no idea the damage is being done
My journey so far.
Another very eye opening interview is with Tracy Malone who is interviewing Debbie Merza (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9n61naZHiX8) , the author of the book I plan to buy next called The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist, available on Amazon. In the interview she said that a pattern she has noticed with her clients is that most of the people coming from a family with a covert narcissist is that the majority of them are in their 30’s when they find out they have been a victim of their covert narcissist parent and the other common thing is that they would all commonly view the covert narcissist as their best friend. Both of these fact bombs dropped on me after I recorded last week's episode. In that episode I did share that I viewed my mom as my best friend. I Turned 40 in December of 2019, and when I found out it was in November. Literally the last month of my 30’s. I found this information she shared to be so eye opening. That is a HUGE pattern in my opinion, and to me, definitely speaks to solidify the fact the Abuser may change, but their behavior is very much the same.
I think that the hardest part about finding out that my Mom has been abusing me on the downlow , in this covert narcissistic way, is that she had been silently trying to and succeeding in sabotaging every single relationship I have ever had for at least the past 20 years. Now that my sister and I are speaking, we have a better understanding of how she has been pulling this off for so long. She has been a master at the Triangulation game. I never made the connection on my own because I only saw things from my side of the world. Once she added her side of the fence both of our minds were blown. It seems easier to expect this behavior from a significant other or a friend or coworker, but trying to wrap your mind around why a parent would want to do this to their own child is a mind scramble all on its own. One we feel very blessed to be able to experience together so we are not so alone.
In a blog post Titled “Triangulation: The Narcissist’s Best Play” I found on Psych Central.com by Darius Cikanavicius he says , “Within the vast catalogue of toxic behavior, triangulation is amongst the most well-known. It is very common, especially among narcissistically inclined individuals, and can be overt, or insidious, and many people don’t even realize they have been triangulated until it is too late.
Oh Boy. Ain't that the truth!
I have come to think of the covert Narc as a parasite. Like a tick. They need the “Target” or in my words the HOST to exist to feed on so they do a lot of their abuse in small doses. If they operated like an overt narcissist, then the odds that they would be allowed to feed on their target for long time is slim. People tend to avoid starting relationships or opening up to outwardly aggressive people. My parents were married for 35 years till my dad passed away. Coverts fly under the radar so they can get the most out of each of their victims.
So the triangulation my mom performed on my sister and I started when we started showing signs of independence. I'm going to start by sharing small stories first as I try to organize each episode to make sense of the best that I can. Knowing what we know now we find ourselves going back in time and looking at each family fight or drama with our new Narc glasses and BOOM! We see the common denominator was always our mom.
When I was 17-18 , my boyfriend at the time, broke it off with me one day out of the blue. I didn't see it coming. I remember experiencing what I call, my first soul cry. The type of cry that seems to start from the pit of your being and it doesnt stop until you are so empty of tears you can just stare. I didn't get any empathy from my mother. In fact, she came to me and told me she knew he was no good for me so she told him that he would never be good for me but I would only be good for him and that's why he left. Knowing what I know now, I doubt that is all she said and all she did. Even at that age, I wasn't one to run after someone, so I never asked why he left. I just moved on. But, at that time I was truly heartbroken because he was my first real serious relationship. My mom didn't offer any , but she took that opportunity to tell me all about her own heartbreak. She began telling me about how her first love abandoned her too at my age. She would continue to tell us or anyone who experienced a break up, this same sob story for the rest of our life . And now we know why. We always wondered why we always had to hear about all of her stories like a painful broken record while never being able to talk about what was happening with us. Its because it is always about the narcissist.
A story my sister reminded me of that happened to her was when I went on a celebratory cruise upon graduated Cosmetology school. Our mom figured I would be quitting my job at the store I was working at to go do hair somewhere. She approached my sister and told her that they should try to get hired there while I was gone since I would be leaving. When I returned both my sister and my mom were now working at my job. I was not a fan lol That seemed to be how she used my sister a lot. She would point her in her desired direction and say “Go do this” as if my sister was never allowed to have a mind of her own. Which now we know is true as neither of us were supposed to have a mind of our own. So as time passed I went to work at a Salon and left the store. My mom quit the store after a few months like she always did. She had many part time jobs that she never worked at for any length of time. My sister stayed working there for about 5 years while working at another job and thinking about starting college. . When my mom caught wind that she might be looking for another job , she called up the store owner and told them that her daughter was going to quit and she would like to take her place. My sister didn't even have a chance to check around for another job, she was replaced by our mom. If that wasn't a glimpse of what was to come...I don’t know what would be.
In closing
I hope each episode I record helps someone else who may be going through a similar situation or knows someone who has. I can be discoruaranging to many because they feel guilty for airing the dirty deeds done by others, but we should never feel shamed into silence.
There's a quote by Iyanla Vanzant that goes, “It’s important that we share our experiences with other people. Your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else. When you tell your story, you free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story.”
If you have a story of your own that you would like to share you can email the show @ Iwashornswoggled@gmail.com or head here to use the record a message option on my podcasts website https://anchor.fm/hornswoggled .
Until next time, have a great day and God Bless <3